The many faces of grief 

What is the right way to grieve? Not too loudly, lest they think you're overdoing it, not too quietly in case they wonder if you even care. Like the porridge in the tale of Goldilocks, does this too need to be just right... instead of being the way it actually IS?
With the passing of a dear friend recently, I've come face to face with death, loss and grief. It's a fresh opportunity to see through the should's of how one must be at such a time, and how to be in the intimacy of our own true experience.
When my father passed away 15 years ago, I did not shed a single tear. I didn't hold them back, there really were none. There was disappointment, resentment, shame. He'd struggled with mental health issues for many years. Instead of being comforted by the company of others, I just wanted to get away from them. I couldn't understand the bewildering raft of emotions that were arising inside. 
Alone in my cave, I was able to stay in the raw experience that was real for me. Here, I felt relief that my father and our family were not suffering any more, rage for how no one had not been able to help him get better, guilt for feeling this way instead of just having sorrow. By taking off pressure to feel how I 'should', in time I gradually went from bitterness, regret and impotence to wholeness.

Dancing with shadows isn't cute or glamorous, but wow, is it potent! To honour all aspects of our grief is to have loved, how else could it be? Ultimately, we're cleansing our own heart and freeing ourselves to love more. It's uncomfortable AF sometimes, but that's temporary and ultimately translates into Depth, Vitality, Joy, Abundance and Freedom.

Drawing by Uma Vijh

Creative Alchemy 

As passionate and creative forces of nature, we want to live a life of meaning and fulfilment, and feel the pulse of aliveness flowing through our veins. 
As passionate and creative forces of nature, we want to live a life of meaning and fulfilment, and feel the pulse of aliveness flowing through our veins. 
As we step beyond fear, and begin to move from love, the Devil you know aka fear, will do its best to keep us from change. I've been paying attention to ways that we humans can be in relationship with fear, and how that feeds back to us out down the line:

- We disconnect and distract, which makes us anxious all the time.
- We deny and project on others or the circumstances, which creates a blind spot that snowballs into greater intensity and worse issue later.
- We fake confidence and push our way through with sheer will power, which grows into resistance, procrastination and self-sabotage. 
- We decide that the things we love are not meant for us and settle for less, which grows into a life of having it all but feeling empty and dead inside.

Any version of this unfolding in your current experience is not bad or wrong, it just IS. I've been in ALL of them and will no doubt be again. Acknowledging fear and moving the way love calls us to is the opening to a bigger possibility. A life skill to practice, cultivate and master, one we didn't learn in school. It definitely doesn't come automatically. It's worth underscoring that, as perfectionism - which btw we did learn in school - is shameless and will not hesitate to play its sneaky tricks here. 

When we notice ourselves in patterns of shadow behaviour, we will need to actively and lovingly see them as ideas conditioned by culture, and deliberately take it easy with ourselves as we stand for a higher intention. 

As we breathe and allow more, the very thing that we were resisting, can decompress and take up space in our inner world. It arises as a wave, starts to intensify and peak, and then begins to dissolve. 

When any of the flavours of fear is activated in our experience, the body becomes tense and the breathing gets shallow. it really helps to simply take a deep breath, or two, until we feel the healing response kicking in. This is so simple that it can be overlooked in favour of more complex solutions. 
Breathing with presence has a calming, reassuring effect on our physiology. It's the most direct way of sending love into the system, and works in real time.

Pic by Monika Vijh

Shanishcharaya - The undeniable Saturnian call to evolve 

With it's unfathomable rings made of frozen stardust, Saturn announces itself as keeper of the mysteries of the unknown. It's the slowest moving planet in our solar system taking nearly 30 years to complete a cycle around the sun. In Jyotish - Vedic astrology - he is revered as a powerful teacher with profound and important life lessons for our soul's evolution. A major Saturn transit in your chart will be make its presence felt.
 

image by Nasa on Unsplash

 
Saturn often gets a bad rap as the initiator of Life situations that we’d much rather not have. Losses, illnesses, surgeries, litigation, breakdowns and endings are possible. They are the hard and even distressing sort, with consequences that are painful to bear. But he leaves us with no choice which only adds insult to injury. Course correction while kicking and screaming is usually not a pretty sight. First we must find our way into the attitude of surrender to the 'isness of isness' in the losses, illness or breakdowns that we're being asked to face. From the place of acceptance, we arrive into transcendence slowly but surely. The very same situation that was an unbearable, weeping wound, now becomes a portal for tears of gratitude and a river of unconditional love. Love, which is the very fabric of existence and our birthright comes alive in our very own experience, perhaps for the first time. As Leanard Cohen famously sang, 'there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in'.
 
Shani or Shanishcharaya as Saturn is known in Jyotish, questions our fundamental relationships - with the unknown, with the One Source of All, and with our deepest Self. He asks us to contemplate the nature of our Existence, what we’re doing here on this Earth and what we really want our one precious Life to stand for? If you thought those questions are not yours to contemplate, He will make you reconsider.
 
We should be aware of important Saturn transits as potent times for learning profound life lessons, and receiving life initiations in challenging circumstances. When we acknowledge and then transcend the resistance that arises during these times, we can align with the flow of our Soul’s evolution. The experience can transform from one of suffering and victimhood to a more sublime expression. 
  • Saturn return - when transit Saturn goes over our natal Saturn on the chart, usually at age 28-30 years. 
  • Saturn over Natal Moon - this is called Sade-Sati (meaning 7 and a half years), when transit Saturn goes over the Moon in our natal chart. Takes place approximately every 30 years after the first one, which can happen at any time in one’s life. Although the total transit is 7.5 years, the most crucial time is the 3 year period when Saturn is within 30 degrees of the natal Moon. When there is appropriate up levelling of self-care and maturity, this can be a fertile time for heart activation and spiritual deepening. 
  • In addition, Saturn as a depositor for the shadow planets of Rahu and Ketu (north and south Lunar nodes) plays a significant role in the chart.
 
The Dieities associated with Saturn are naturally intense and fierce forms of Kali (wild, bloodthirsty and shameless), and Shiva (dancing the 'Tandava' dance of destruction in drunken esctasy). A simple and effective mantra that can be chanted by anyone to cultivate access to non-attachment during periods of high Saturn energy is ‘Om Namaha Shivaya'.
 
The houses ruled by Saturn in our chart, as well as where the planet is located, and it’s state - exalted, debilitated, naturally friendly or unfriendly sign - is a great pointer to the growth that we must intentionally facilitate to evolve in this lifetime. For e.g, this could be in the area of intimate relationships, community, the work we put out in the world or how we experience being supported by Life. Every other relationship is a reflection of the fundamental relationship to our own Self. Shani represents the binding action of unconscious, karmic patterns. Naturally, it’s where we can shine the light of presence and awareness to liberate ourselves from entanglement.
 
Saturn itself is a dry planet of inner detachment and not usually associated with sensuality, juicy pleasures or intimacy. Ironically it is Saturn’s very lessons that we need the most to succeed with romantic liaisons. Without the primary connection to our own Self coming first, most people experience being trapped very soon inside the same relationships that started out with great hope and promise. Once the sugar coating has worn off, co-dependency has the unmistakably familiar and bitter taste of resentment, feeling wronged, betrayed and victimised. This situation is very common in our times, and has been a primary area of focus for me and the people I work with. It holds a potent and beautiful invitation for Saturn related growth, to move from disconnection into the greater field of unconditional Love.
 
Saturn is a teacher of Self as love, asking us to transcend the persistent illusion of the lack of love that we commonly experience. This love that is the fabric of our existence, inherent and ever-present. It is who we already are. We release the pattern of placing demands and expectations on others and fill up from our own connection to Source first. With this radical move we become free to share from our fullness with others and serve those in need when it is aligned.
 
While it’s natural to have expectations of others in relationships, it’s also important to realise that as sovereign, independent beings we are ultimately responsible for our own needs, feelings and desires. No one else has to fulfil them unless they want to. We hold this natural law and freedom high within ourselves and for those whom we enter into relationship with. Our feelings, needs and desires are ours and they don’t even need to be fulfilled all the time in order for us to be whole. Simply acknowledging them and granting them space to be is enough.
 
The ultimate call of Shani Deva is existential bliss and freedom from fear, suffering and the isolated, unworthy, victim ego-identity. We can connect with this essence in the radical surrender to the isness of isness. Here in this state of non-resistance to the whole, we find ourselves open to the aliveness of Existence and guided by the impulse of Life to evolve through us. It’s uncomfortable and threatening to the fearful part of us that finds safety in the familiar at first, but it’s energising and enlivening for the wild, natural and alive Self connected to the Whole.
 
It is highly recommended to prepare the mind and body for Saturn transits as it is greatly supportive to meet the demands of Saturn with greater ease and grace. Getting centred is a huge advantage when meeting Saturn’s challenging nature, instead of crashing into him scattered and clueless which can become a rude awakening. Once in alignment with the Great Master, we are all set to discover and integrate the bliss, grace and power of this mystical Being within our own experience.
 
Practices aligned with Saturn:
Cultivating stillness, Morning and/or evening meditation, journalling, quiet and undistracted time, being with nature, contemplation in solitude, retreating, self-care practices, abhyanga oil massage, growth and evolution related learning, chanting Mantra, yoga, breath work, deeper self-connection practices.
Grounding practices for the physical vehicle - eating good quality fats like Ghee, walking barefoot on Earth, daily lifestyle discipline with regular eating and sleeping times - dinacharya, eating simple, home cooked, warm food.
 
For more information on Jyotish readings, getting your chart made and preparing for your Saturn transits, please go to monikavijh.com/jyotish.


True to life 

TRUE TO LIFE
TRUE TO YOU
TRUE TO WHOLENESS
Did the Chameleon response get activated within you early on?
- Blending into the environment to avoid unwanted attention, ridicule or punishment
- Editing your natural expression to stay out of trouble
- Shrinking desires that would land you in shame
- Disappearing your needs to stay welcome
Maybe you got the message from a misinformed environment that who you are is anything but wholesome, inherently worthy and blessed with natural gifts.
Did these parts of you get stuffed down with food and treats? Numbed and distracted into the culturally approved standard. You and me, started down the road of working hard, achieving and accumulating - to become good enough - to win approval - and avoid rejection.
Aiming for perfect - because there’s something innately wrong with us is the common default in our culture. But really it’s a trap when we trade our precious well-being - for the idea that there’s another perfect that lives in a future location.
When the future destination we were striving for finally arrives, there’s a high, but it’s short lived and doesn’t really live up to the expectations we had. The sense of something wrong which was covered up by aiming for perfection in the future shows up again - we grab the next idea of perfection in the future almost immediately - and the cycle continues - until we recognise that the design is inherently flawed, or end up in breakdown or disease.
So, what now?
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE - SHAKESPEARE
Return to you. The golden thread of wholeness runs through all of life in every moment. It’s beyond the ideas of perfect and imperfect made up by human thought. We can tune into this field in the truth of our heart. Owning our feelings, questioning our assumptions, correcting our mistaken beliefs and nurturing our desires is a path of becoming. We might have learned that we are broken, flawed and powerless from an ignorant culture, we only need to remember the inherent wholeness, radiance and creativity of our true nature. It's how we claim the promise of who we came here to be.
So, we’re inherently always ok and here to evolve. Not because there’s something wrong with the way we are, but because it’s the impulse of LIFE to do so. Growing from the ground of unconditional acceptance of all that is so, goes against the grain of everything educated into us, but it’s the bigger law of existence. Take a look outside in nature where it's much more obvious.

Dandelion, weed or wonder?

The objects of our desire 

 HOME can be the perfect house of your dreams, fitted with all of your creature comforts, and full of the most exquisite things.
It can also be ‘at home with yourself’, so you can always feel at home no matter where you are.
LOVE can be what we seek from the world, a romantic relationship status.
It can also be what you discover when you dive into the depths of yourself, so it becomes the place from where we meet the world.
 ABUNDANCE can be the state of our bank account and everything we own.
It can also be the trust in your heart that we are held by Grace in an intelligent universe where everything is always working out, so that we don’t miss the bountiful flow of life happening today, in our preoccupation with hoarding for tomorrow.
 FREEDOM can be the choices at your disposal, getting exactly what you want when you want it.
It can also be your willingness to meet change, loss and the unknown with an open heart, so we can be available with greater presence to a bigger experience of now.
WHAT DO YOU MOST DEEPLY DESIRE?
Existence accepts us unconditionally exactly as we are, granting the next breath and heartbeat as symbols of Her love. In the constant, furious, relentless unfolding of Creation, nothing is ever wrong. Or right. Everything always just is. That way of seeing makes imperfection into perfect, without having to change a thing.
As Her children, She endows each one of us with the power to tune into our own unique visions, and live into them. Time unfolds as the answer to the aspirations we carry in the innermost sanctum of our heart. The objects of our desire, worthy and otherwise, keep drawing our energy either intentionally or unconsciously. Spiritual or not, we do have an altar where we pray with our attention. Sooner or later, we get whatever we have been seeking, nothing more and nothing less.
Suppressed desires don’t just go away, they act out in unconscious shadow behaviour. The more we try to deny them and force them into submission, they just seem to come back to bite us with even greater vengeance. In owning our desires without judgement, we hold them in the light of awareness. Here, we can either choose to nourish them into fulfilment, or refine our grosser cravings into more wholesome forms of expression.

From a crone to herself 

~ A BIRTHDAY MANDATE ~ 

Dear Me, 
Remember,
that you are already whole, 
free and powerful. 
I give you permission 
to claim your truth 
and burn everything else
In that wild fire.

You Do Not Have To Be : 
- The long-suffering wife trapped in the illusion of safety in the outdated institution of marriage 
- The self-sacrificing mother, killing her own desires and controlling her children, living vicariously through them. 
- The gossipy friend, bitching about others and making unkind jokes about yourself, to buy cheap belonging in the tribe. 


You Can Release Yourself From :
- The resentful saviour 
- The man hater 
- The perfect daughter 


You Can Stop Acting Out Old Stories Of Suppression as : 
- The know it all who takes no risks and keeps her hands clean, but has opinions about how the world should be doing it. 
- The back seat driver, going nowhere herself but always interfering in others business. 
- The unwanted counsel, giving cheap and unsolicited advice freely without deeply embodying it. 


Please don’t be bound by the false beliefs of : 
- The blind one who gives up her power and then begs, struggles and fights for it.
- The self-loathing woman who gives up her authenticity for social points and crumbs of validation. 
- The victim, demanding attention and controlling others with her untended misery. 


Remember who you are, and who you are not : 
- The damned prostitute who doesn’t recognise the sacred of her body and soul, she trades the priceless for safety, power and material benefit.
- The reckless gambler, she leaps without looking and throws away the diamond of her essence in fits of impulsiveness. 
- The disempowered slave, damsel in distress, she’s waiting for her Prince inside a dark castle, in form denial of her own light. 
Remember,
wholeness is who you are.
Free and powerful,
is your ultimate truth.
Burn everything else
in that wild fire.

Meeting our shadows 

I hate being powerless. 



I hate it so much that when I sense that I might lose control, I go into avoidance instead. It's automatic and unconscious, something I learned to do as a kid to protect myself from pity, ridicule and drama reactions from others. This unwelcome part is my shadow, the aspect of me I don't acknowledge. I pretend it's not really here instead and it becomes my blind spot.


As a young girl, I disliked many of my emotions with a vengeance. When I got angry, sad or upset, it would invariably lead to more conflict and distress in the house. My child self adapted by suppressing her natural vulnerability, covering up my true feelings with a veneer of OK, telling myself that I was fine when I really wasn't. This front, ironically, prevented me from receiving any real compassion, people thought I was strong and genuinely OK. 



Emotions buried out of sight don't go anywhere, they just act out in unwholesome ways. I struggled with excess weight and low body confidence. Every moon cycle hit me with PMS, and I hated myself again for being a hormonal bitch. The whole thing really came to a head during menopause. A tsunami of uncontrollable, intense buried emotion rocked my whole world and brought me down to my knees. It became a defining moment that catalysed a deeply valuable and transformative journey for me. The first step of this epic was simply owning the truth and coming out of denial, which is surprisingly harder than it sounds when you've been doing the very opposite for a while.
I dug deep and found there was courage and fire to free myself from the burden of shame I had been carrying around my whole life. Was it easy? NO! I was really good at controlling and suppressing. Allowing the disowned feelings to flow naturally was hard and damn uncomfortable at first, mainly because of my own hostility towards them. I had to learn to stop attacking myself, isn't that nuts? Snotty, messy and unpleasant, that's what claiming our power really looks like. I wish it was more glamorous. Until you start enjoying the freedom, lightness and bliss that's waiting here just on the other side, that is! Because that's what living an authentic, soul shaped life is really about.
As for shadows, they're not anything to be afraid of. They're simply frightened young versions of ourselves, they're just waiting for unconditional presence so that they can come home into the wholeness of our authentic being. Freed from darkness and oppression, they start to express in natural, wholesome and surprisingly delightful ways. 
Where's the joy in cutting our heart up into pieces? Fitting into an image of perfection and shrinking the size of the life we live can only buy us an empty idea of success. A short sighted compromise leading up to a great big dead end. The gifts of Life come online not in running away from fear, but turning towards it. It's in the remembrance that Life isn't a contract to simply put up with suffering or waiting for others to change. It's in the recognition that wholeness pulsates at the core of our very Being. It's the voice of love that's always guiding us back home from within.

What does happiness have to do with success?

persistent illusions no. 1

Not much, actually. Yet on closer inspection, we've found ourselves inside the maze of striving for success at all costs, in the secret hope that it will eventually make us happy. You know how the story goes, when I have ..., then I'll be...., and then I'll live happily ever after. Fill in the blanks.


Isn't this the reason that so many extremely accomplished, well-to-do folks have chronic discontent and an inner state of perpetual lack. It's also why we end up feeling disillusioned and betrayed when everything we believed would make us happy, doesn't end up in any kind of lasting fulfilment, but only feeds the hungry ghost. Henry David Thoreau said of this condition, 'the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation'. 

There are also people with relatively next-to-nothing, but a wealth of peace and the capacity to effortlessly share what they have with others. I've spent time with both. It made me think that happiness and generosity of spirit has little to do with the trappings of success. Unlike the way that we've been taught and innocently assumed, it has everything to do with our inner world. It just seems impossible and incredibly frustrating when we go about it with the cart in front of the horse.
The thing is, happy people tend to find success on their own terms sooner or later. But most of the time, we're busy hiding our misery, pretending to ourselves and others that we're deliriously happy. I can tell you that it's not the same thing at all, because I was really good at it. It was a real relief to give it up when I finally got round to it.


No matter how ugly or awful it is, the first step in transforming any situation is to acknowledge it in its naked glory. This step is a simple power move that has never failed me. In the absence of support, it can be difficult at the same time, which is why we haven't done it already. I believe that there's no other way around this, but to go through it. A solid house needs a proper foundation, and being completely honest with yourself, regardless of the discomfort, is a very good place to start. 


The beauty is that the moment we're in the truth, the chaos subsides and we find ourselves in a clearing of peace. Here,  we can receive guidance from our own wisdom and the creative intelligence of life guiding us forward. This is the shift from reaction to creation. Sometimes the people who we normally count on aren't able to nurture us through this transition. That is not a sign for us to continue in old ways that no longer serve us, instead we can explore expanding our field of support.

A big, dirty celebration 

Holi is the vibrant Indian festival of colour. You've probably seen the photos. Mounds of coloured powder in impossibly vivid hues and water pistols. Kids of all ages and grown ups, excited to get together, play and celebrate life. What's not to love about that? Yet, it evokes very mixed feelings for me every year.
I grew up in the big, bustling metropolis of Bombay, or Mumbai as it’s known now. The reality is that Holi was a time of the year when people (especially young girls), were relentlessly targeted with water balloons by others (mostly young boys). Just walking on the streets and going about your business made you fair game for being pelted by these liquid missiles. This went on for weeks. I disliked this forced ‘play’ intensely. It seemed to be an even bigger licence for the cat calling, indecent advances and general harassment, that went on during the rest of the year.
One Holi, I was making my way home around 4 O'clock in the afternoon after playing Holi in the neighbouring compound. Only a little while ago everyone was out, busy with the festivities. But now there was a lull and not many people were around. As I approached the road, a loud and rowdy bunch of youths was passing. I don't know if they were drunk, but my stomach tensed when I saw them and I hesitated in my tracks. Maybe I ought to go back and find the others, where was everybody? 
Too late, I had already been spotted and a couple of them headed in my direction now. In a flash the whole gang was upon me like a pack of bloodthirsty wolves, groping and grabbing in a manic frenzy. The world closed in as they completely surrounded and manhandled me. For I don't know how long, in broad daylight, practically on our doorstep. 
In the mayhem, a calm voice suddenly appeared and called off the pack. One of the members of the group was appealing to their higher nature, asking them to stop.  I don’t know how they even heard him above the clamour. It must have been the intervention of Grace, but just as suddenly as they had pounced on me, they now detached themselves from my body one by one and followed him into the distance. As if they’d heard the Pied Piper of Hamelin, they disappeared without a trace. I stood there shaken, not sure if I'd simply imagined it all. 
I'm not sure how long passed, then I continued to make my way home, feeling disconnected from my body. And dirty. I didn't want talk to anyone about it. Inside the slowly spreading freeze, a confusion of thoughts was cycling rapidly round my head and forming into a story:

I AM PREY!!!! I had brought this upon myself after all - by attracting negative attention -  so I must deserve it. 

There was more: I'm a target for predators. That's my lot, my destiny. I must not make a fuss and attract any further attention! I’m not safe on my own in the world. I have to learn to tolerate harassment. This is normal. Suck it up.
For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why the thought of travelling on my own to unfamiliar places, bringing any sort of attention towards myself, being in the spotlight or in groups of strangers, activated a stress response inside me. I'm generally a confident person, I've faced my share of challenges and worked through them with courage. Yet, I felt extremely exposed and vulnerable in these situations, and I needed to cover it up. I  found myself sitting on the sidelines, supporting others to the heights of success and hiding behind their glory. While there's nothing inherently wrong with any of that, they were not a natural expression of my authentic self.  It became a coping mechanism for me to avoid pain. No matter how well it's disguised, our pain doesn't go away when we bury it. It generates more suffering from the shadows, until we finally stop running away and shine light of love. 
So, I started to dig deeper and join the dots. Unravelling the sticky knot that prevented me from fully enjoying the adventures I longed to have is quite the journey. The freedom and independence on the other side of discomfort is worth it a hundred times over. 
These type of experiences are very common, particularly in Indian cities. Sadly, I'm not the only one who has had this happen to them, most people I speak to have their own version with a few different details. I'm probably in the minority of people who gets to resolve it fully from their psyche. Most will live a life that's scarred by the imprints left behind and numb their suffering in unwholesome ways. Some will be called to step into the unknown, and do what it takes to heal. For them, the presence of darkness is an invitation to discover the light of under it all.  
In a place deeper than shame, gilt and fear, I knew that I/we don’t have to tolerate harassment. I didn't want a life of being forced to remain shrunken and invisible from the fear of being attacked. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I’m destined for all kinds of incredible things. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. 
The power to heal is within each one of us and when we choose freedom for ourselves, then Nature supports us in this endeavour in miraculous, serendipitous ways. It may seem like the whole world is against you, but that's just a pocket of culture. All of Life is moving towards deeper harmony and wholeness, and it has your back, when you have yours. That's the deeper truth!

Pic Credit John Thomas on Unsplash

HAPPY HOLI - celebrating the Indian festival of colour 

Life is about liberating and celebrating.
You cannot have one without the other, that’s the natural law.
So, we’re wired with the inner longing to evolve.
Hedonism, overindulgence and escapism are short sighted, and not in tune with the resonance of the Greater Whole. Struggle, control, resistance and pressure is the other side of the coin.
Unwholesome desires can hook us with bursts of pleasure and the thrill of instant gratification, but they are really suffering waiting to happen. They need to be purified with the fire of evolutionary action - Kriya - into more wholesome energy, which brings deep fulfilment and liberation from suffering.
First, we need to discern between the two, that requires the raw honesty to look suffering squarely in the face. Next comes the releasing of addiction to suffering. There is an opening here where we can see the way forward and evolution becomes possible.
Anytime we lean in the direction of growth and kriya, we are aligned with the greater purpose of life and we have the support of Nature. Celebration becomes the natural outcome, because Life is rejoicing for us, and Life is inherently a full-on celebration of intelligence.
Evolve / Liberate / Celebrate / REPEAT.
The significance of Holi (Wikipedia) : Holi celebrates the arrival of Spring in India, the end of winter, and the blossoming of love, and for many, it is a festive day to meet others, play and laugh, forget and forgive, and repair broken relationships. IT The festival is also an invocation for a good spring harvest season.

Patience isn't the same as waiting 

They sound similar but there’s a subtle and powerful difference. Hidden in the gap between the two is a portal to a powerful possibility.
Waiting is living passively with hope in the present, and if we pay closer attention there’s a layer of deep agitation under it. Disconnected from the abundance and wholeness of liife, it arises in distrust and therefore breeds anxiety.
Patience is an active, enlivening, energised state of Being imbued with the underlying bliss of existence. It’s rooted in surrender, innocence and trust in the unknown as your beloved. The Unknown is not a threat but the Great, loving mother that birthed everything including you and the desires in your belly.
Inside waiting is the invitation for it to evolve into patience - refining our desires from immature, entitled demands from Life and others, into the joyful impulse to serve the whole. Any self imposed suffering in the name of sacrifice for the greater good is out of the question and must be cremated in the fire of devotion. Nothing can be left out of this equation, so how can you?
The wisdom of Yoga, which is the law of Nature says:
EVERYTHING IN IT’S OWN TIME
NOTHING BEFORE IT’S TIME

ALWAYS NOW, NEVER THEN

~ Anand Mehrotra

Aligning with the laws of Nature, opens our experience into the sweetness of life. The nectar of fulfilment is ultimately what we’re looking for under all of our acts of seeking, wordly or spiritual. With the birth of patience and the end of waiting, we feel the trickle of this juice on our tongue, right here and now.

Birds of prey in Uttarakhand, India.

The heroes of my Altar

There was a time

I needed to fill the silence

With words, activity, music

Not so long ago

I was terrified of the dark

Convinced it would swallow me whole

I ran away from stillness

It was dull, dead, boring

Fun and exciting was more my scene

Was it only yesterday

I couldn’t stand to be alone

Monsters in empty space were coming to get me

Today, these are the Heroes I invoke

Their images adorn my altar

The very same ones to whom I pray

For a mere sideways glance

My fervent wish is to be filled with silence

I long for the Dark Goddess to swallow me whole

I desire nothing more than to be devoured by the void

Le stillness descend now and claim my whole Being

Isn’t it crazy how things can change

With the turning of the hungry tide

The non-stop magic we barely notice

Even though it’s right under our nose

PS. If you’re longing to set up an altar for yourself but feeling shy or unsure about it, we can set up a session to change this into a positive, life-giving experience.

Just saying 

Sometimes,
the most aligned action is stillness,
the wisest thing is to do nothing,
the best way forward is to keep silence.

Sometimes,
the deepest care looks like being by yourself,
the highest form of love is to stay away,
the biggest blessing is to do your own thing.

Sometimes,
the greatest gift is not having to give one,
the sweetest gesture is not giving a damn,
the potency lies in just letting it be.

Beatles Ashram in Rishikesh, India.

Happiness ~ Sorrow 

Two sides of the same coin, we want one and we don’t want the other, of course! If you say you don’t, you’re either lying or already a Wise One.
The happiness that comes when all our desires are fulfilled is superficial. All our expectations can’t be met 100% of the time, so this brand of happy is intrinsically linked with suffering.
The deeper joy that we’re ultimately seeking is at the end of suffering. This is the bliss of our true Nature, our essential Self. It’s who we really and already are under the layers of c***p that we mistakenly take ourselves to be.
We accidentally access this boundless dimension of ourselves in moments of awe, beauty and wonder. Mostly, we go back to ‘normal’ soon after. An experience can unexpectedly touch us so deeply, that it transports us into the sacred. The hallmarks of this is the strong, expansive presence of peace and the sense of time standing still.
It’s possible to stabilise ourselves in this deeper dimension of joy so that it starts to imbue our everyday, waking reality with its fragrance. The end of suffering usually doesn’t come in a happy accident like fairytale many of us believe. Rather, it’s the flowering of intentionally cultivated evolutionary practice, done with consistency over time.
The fantasy of magically landing into Self-mastery overnight somehow, is a disservice to our spiritual potential. Never getting started with a sincere, committed practice is a block to progress. True magic starts only once we begin.

Flag at Kunjapuri temple near Rishikesh, India

Rise as the whole damn fire 

Facing great challenges is not a sign of your inadequacy or confirmation of a deeply flawed nature, rather it's that you're ALIVE! 

The loss of power we experience at such times is learned through negative conditioning. A deadly cocktail of fear/guilt/shame arises, and before you know it, you're drunk in it and dancing on the table. The default may have been to spiral into a dense funk, but remember that powerfulness is natural, and we can start to reclaim it at any time. Acknowledging the raw truth to ourselves, no matter how ugly it is, is the first step into liberation. 


Every challenge carries within it the seed for higher evolution, more maturity and greater radiance. It's the natural impulse of LIFE itself, wanting to create cool, new possibilities through you. As you take steps into the unknown, you may feel like you're losing the support of others, this is a temporary thing. You'll have the support of Nature with you, and while this may take some time to manifest as your outer reality, the immediate sign of this is a sense of greater wholeness and peace inside. 

IT’S OK TO FALL DOWN AND LOSE YOUR SPARK,

JUST MAKE SURE WHEN YOU GET BACK UP

YOU RISE AS THE WHOLE DAMN FIRE

- Anand Mehrotra, Himalayan Yogi & Master 

THE NEXT TIME CHALLENGES COME,  BE A REBEL AND DISRUPT THE DEFAULT. HERE'S WHAT YOU COULD DO :
CELEBRATE, you're alive. Challenges will continue to come so long as we're here, but so will experiences of wonder, joy and beauty.
QUESTION the lies that fear tells you. You're not in a threatening universe that's out to get you, but held within a powerful, infinite field of LOVE.
LISTEN. The truth of this is beating in your heart. Love is whispering messages in the silence there. 
CLAIM your connection with the field of Wholeness and natural state of powerfulness in the present. Here, we're always being guided by Love in real time and we can see the way. ALWAYS!

pic credit :Unsplash

The creator in disguise 

Yesterday, I stood on the edge of a field overlooking a hill at midnight to catch the fireworks. It was very blustery, gusts of wind whistled and shook the branches in the trees. But the fireworks didn't hesitate or hold back, and the whole horizon was lit with their magic. Do you love a good fireworks display too? 
The explosions of light against the night sky take me into the Big Bang of Creation and the Great Mystery of Life itself. Right there TwentyTwentyThree announced itself  to me as the Year Of Fearless Creation. We're already (or just) one day in. How's it been going for you so far? 

MAY WE DISCOVER AND LIVE IN THE TRUTH OF OUR CREATIVE POWER. 


Knowing what you don’t want 
Points the way, towards what you do 
Creative Visionary
Do you see gaps where others see nothing 
Laughing at The Emperors New Clothes 


Dancing with the Unknown 
Terrifies and delights you in equal measure
Creative Warrior 
You're having a secret love affair with challenge 
But the choice is already made in your heart 


The joy of the Creator 
Is in the act of creation, not the end result 
Creative Spirit 
You long to burn with the fire of Life 
Letting it all go into the dark void 

YOU ARE THE CREATOR, NOT JUST THE CREATED - ANAND MEHROTRA

WHAT CREATIVE INTENTION IS CALLING YOUR NAME FOR THIS YEAR? 

Anything, something or nothing? 
Maybe it's in the zone of : crafting an experience, cultivating a feeling or sharing, expressing, birthing something that's arising from within. Or something else I haven't mentioned. Whether you're playing a game of hotter / colder with a hazy mirage or taking action on a fully formed vision, it’s all good. The only thing that you can’t do is NOT create. You're already designed as a force of creation, not just at the effect of it. 
Whether you start with a Big Bang or make tiny, hesitant moves, taking action towards creating something is often a lot easier than the thinking in our head would have us believe. In other words, the inertia we encounter in this area is mostly not a real life thing, but made up of thoughts that we don't have to believe. Just something to ponder. 
On the other side of getting started, and regardless of how it turns out, we have real time feedback to work with and we get to experience the joy of the Creator. 

You can belong to truth 

As I looked out of the bathroom window staring at nothing in particular, a new thought occurred to me. It’s not fully accurate to say that I thought it, it was more like I heard the words that said ‘You are inherently worthy, just because you’re alive and breathing and you walk this Earth. Not because of all the stuff that you do’.
Just a few weeks before, I’d been diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian cancer. It’s called the silent killer because it’s usually pretty advanced by the time it gets discovered. But that was just the tip of the iceberg, there was more. The foundation of marriage that I had believed was going to last forever, wasn't feeling quite so solid now. Inner turmoil was playing havoc in the arena of my other relationships too. Difficult, intense emotions that I had buried over the years were all surfacing uncontrollably now, without my permission. No ovaries = menopause, hot flushes, extreme mood swings and brain fog were the order of the day with wildly fluctuating hormones. And I’d also started a new smoking habit, at the same bathroom window that I mentioned earlier. 
There’s an old saying in India, that goes, ‘vinasha kaale vipareeta buddhi’ - at the time of destruction, our own intelligence turns against us. When I was younger, my mother delivered this dramatically, a warning about being the instrument of your own downfall. So, although I knew that it made very little sense to be smoking alongside the hard core ‘life saving’ sandwich of chemotherapy and surgery, it's just what I did at the time. 
But I digress, the important thing is, that day I heard the voice of Truth, and noticed that it was distinctly different from the usual thought process in my head. It was a deeply loving, albeit disruptive wisdom that rang clear as a bell and filled my whole being with an expansive peace. A healing balm, it brought the magic of wholeness to my anxiety ridden distress. Before my mind took over once again, I experienced something wonderful. The imprint of this feeling stayed, haunting me like a good spirit.
TRUTH DOES NOT BELONG TO ANYONE, BUT YOU CAN BELONG TO TRUTH 
- ANANDJI 
All of my efforts to do the right thing, be a good person and fulfil my obligations to others, were driven by the need to feel worthy. You see, I’d been living the work hard/ play harder lifestyle, like many of us do. That’s another way of saying that I often burned the candle at both ends, regularly pushed my body past its human limits and gave little importance to real self-care. I don’t know exactly when or how, but it had become normal for me to deny my authentic feelings and desires and place all my attention on what others wanted from me instead. Now, I was depleted, sick and suffering. The inner fire dampened by years of neglect, was literally dying inside. 
In one stroke of fierce Grace, I was being shown the root of disease as well as the path to healing. It was a get out of jail free card, I took it. LIFE didn’t want me stressed out, overworked and exhausted. I’d just got my wires badly crossed. Other moments of insight followed that one, not just in the bathroom. They seemed to come out of nowhere, usually when I’d stopped racking my brain to try and get to one. They bore the signature of illumination, a truth that started transforming my life from the inside for greater peace, alignment, freedom and joy. 
The voice of wisdom is quietly alive in all of us but we tend to disregard it, believing the other voices that shout louder instead. Until we get to a dead end, that is. Paradoxically, when I stopped the external seeking and started claiming the inherent Self-worth of our being, it started showing up around me by itself. Starting as the presence of deeper peace, it’s a consistent undercurrent of joy that increases with time. This is a path of practice where every imperfect point on the way to perfection is also perfect in its own way. It's different from the perfection that keeps us seeking but not finding, going but never arriving, always somewhere in the future, just not where we are. 
The lack of love, self-worth or resources is never real - but a filter projected on reality, making it appear real. Disconnection from the truth of everyday existential Grace keeps us in a trap made by our own mind. It’s really obvious once you can see it. What becomes clear is that the door is wide open, and we’re free to walk out at any time. This golden thread of freedom that runs through Life is the ultimate gift from Existence. It’s the great equaliser to which we all have open access, regardless of the other differences in our individual circumstances.
In the 7+ years since the first bathroom insights, I’ve found better ways to elevate myself and be with my emotions. In case you’re wondering, I no longer cope with agitation and discomfort by lighting a cigarette. To be honest, I disliked the smell, the dip in my energy and the guilt that came with harming my body anyway. Living into the idea of inherent Self-worth, led me to releasing behaviours that reflect an abandoned, powerless, victim identity down the line.
With smoking, I did my bit, and in the end I was able to let go of the dependency without too much undue stress. So, maybe it decided to let go of me. Within the darkness that surrounded me at the time, I found the intention to heal at a deeper level. I leaned into that and the rest of the pieces fell into place from there. That’s the power of any soul-led intention, they have a destiny of their own.
It’s true that the night is always darkest just before dawn. But even in the darkest hour, your eyes will adjust and you can feel your way forward. That’s when you notice the unique presence that only emerges in the dark, and the way that stars twinkle at night. When you’re no longer imprisoned by fear, the dark Goddess reveals Herself as fearlessness itself. What we feared is simply the Unknown, and that Unknown is not the terrifying demon of our worst nightmares coming to get you, but the Great Mother who births all of Existence. 
THE ONLY THING THAT IS EVER HAPPENING, IS LIFE 
- ANANDJI
Isn’t it laughably absurd to live in fear of the source of one’s own Self? And yet that’s exactly what we do, all the time. Until we don’t. 
Laughing with you, 
Monika
Guru Bramha, Guru Vishnu, Guru Devo Maheswara, 
Guru Sakshat Param Bramha, Tasmai Shri Gurave Namaha


With my deepest gratitude to all the teachers, mentors, guides who shower my path with generosity and Grace, and to the Guru within. 

Prayer flags at the Sattva Yoga Academy near Rishikesh in India

Menopause -Winter in the cycle of Creation 

THE BLESSING OF MENOPAUSE
Death and Rebirth; Winter and Spring; Night and day.
Seasons, cycles and changes.
Nature teaches us that everything is constantly in flux, moving, gathering momentum and then subsiding. Only to start the same process all over again in an eternal and unending flow. Modern culture, divorced from this reality, celebrates robotic productivity with a frenzy and knows nothing about the heart of creation. 
This way of thinking is so ingrained in the fabric of our society that the collective shadow around death, grief and vulnerability leads us into a box of shame, isolation and alienation unless we can abandon these parts of ourselves and conform to a skewed  image of how we should be. 
Menopause is winter in the cycle of creation. If it is done with care, the woman emerges reborn from , an elder with wisdom to care, a crone. She’s rejuvenated by the grieving she must go through that signifies coming to terms with the end of her fertility. It’s a beautiful life process awakening the wisdom of the body and yet women are taught to hate their own bodies and resent the inconvenience to their plans. 
I want to celebrate when I hear about women taking back their power, owning their bodies and questioning the stories that we are being fed by culture around our moon cycles, giving birth and menopause. 
I’m up for changing the conversation we’re having with our bodies in the hot flushes, mood swings, brain fog, sleeplessness, increased libido, anxiety and  depression. 
Instead of saying things that amount to ‘you’re a nuisance, I hate you’, how about if we could trust in the infinite wisdom of nature who birthed us instead, and are an inseparable expression of. Let's embrace who we’re becoming through this intelligent and powerful process.

Notes from the red carpet 

My big night out, isn’t at the Oscars, but a red circle that marks the TEDx stage. A live audience of 150 accomplished guests and 10 speakers who are a mix of faculty, 6th form students and a couple of parents, like me, from the Haileybury community. The event is recorded and shared later on the global TEDx site and YouTube channel with 34.5 million subscribers. Absolutely no pressure then.
On the rehearsal the day before, the lead organiser, Mr. Angus Head puts the speakers at our ease, by saying that it’a totally normal to be nervous. In fact, it would be abnormal if we weren’t, he says.
3 takeaways that I want to remember from this event :
1. Lean into support.
Myth - Stars ride on talent and luck alone.
Reality - Behind every star on stage, is a support team behind them. Even Oscar winners spend a large part of their acceptance speech acknowledging their team.
2. Do your best and let go of attachment to the result.
Myth - Success depends on the end result.
Reality - Everytime you show up, you either win or learn, success is defined by growth. Every truly successful person has risen from challenges and setbacks.
3. Enjoy all if it, including the nervousness, discomfort and pressure.
Myth - You need to be free from fear before you can show up.
Reality - Stretching your comfort zone in service to your dreams, isn’t about getting rid of fear but being ok with it. That way fear isn’t the driving force in your life, but love is. Let fear sit in the passengers seat and go do your thing.

TEDx Haileybury Jan 2022

The alchemy of aloneness 

Finding the sweet spot in life rests on the foundation of a sound relationship with aloneness. Being ‘Alone’ really means being present with yourself undistracted. It’s taking the time to digest and reflect on life, and having a space to be completely honest with yourself. The laboratory where the most important research and development occurs is here inside us. Taking a step back, alignment between head, heart and hands can be found in the wisdom of the innermost being.
In the busyness of daily living, sometimes we can find ourselves so disconnected from this part of ourselves that the prospect of being alone becomes extremely daunting and brings up overwhelming feelings of anxiety. We might even find ourselves trying to avoid it at all costs.
As a grown woman in her forties, I found that I had to get very intentional to bridge the gap in my relationship with Myself. It took a dedicated practice of Self love to integrate the feelings of shame, failure and ‘what I should have achieved by now’. Being driven by the belief that ‘something is wrong with me’ is energetically very different from holding the possibility of the future with an acceptance of the now. The first is stressful, overwhelming and exhausting, while the second is joyful, energising and fulfilling. The difference is stark, and the courage required to make it is immense, but the end result is very worthwhile.

Young bull in India