What is the right way to grieve? Not too loudly, lest they think you're overdoing it, not too quietly in case they wonder if you even care. Like the porridge in the tale of Goldilocks, does this too need to be just right... instead of being the way it actually IS?With the passing of a dear friend recently, I've come face to face with death, loss and grief. It's a fresh opportunity to see through the should's of how one must be at such a time, and how to be in the intimacy of our own true experience.When my father passed away 15 years ago, I did not shed a single tear. I didn't hold them back, there really were none. There was disappointment, resentment, shame. He'd struggled with mental health issues for many years. Instead of being comforted by the company of others, I just wanted to get away from them. I couldn't understand the bewildering raft of emotions that were arising inside. Alone in my cave, I was able to stay in the raw experience that was real for me. Here, I felt relief that my father and our family were not suffering any more, rage for how no one had not been able to help him get better, guilt for feeling this way instead of just having sorrow. By taking off pressure to feel how I 'should', in time I gradually went from bitterness, regret and impotence to wholeness.
Dancing with shadows isn't cute or glamorous, but wow, is it potent! To honour all aspects of our grief is to have loved, how else could it be? Ultimately, we're cleansing our own heart and freeing ourselves to love more. It's uncomfortable AF sometimes, but that's temporary and ultimately translates into Depth, Vitality, Joy, Abundance and Freedom.
Drawing by Uma Vijh