Meeting our shadows

I hate being powerless. 



I hate it so much that when I sense that I might lose control, I go into avoidance instead. It's automatic and unconscious, something I learned to do as a kid to protect myself from pity, ridicule and drama reactions from others. This unwelcome part is my shadow, the aspect of me I don't acknowledge. I pretend it's not really here instead and it becomes my blind spot.


As a young girl, I disliked many of my emotions with a vengeance. When I got angry, sad or upset, it would invariably lead to more conflict and distress in the house. My child self adapted by suppressing her natural vulnerability, covering up my true feelings with a veneer of OK, telling myself that I was fine when I really wasn't. This front, ironically, prevented me from receiving any real compassion, people thought I was strong and genuinely OK. 

Emotions buried out of sight don't go anywhere, they just act out in unwholesome ways. I struggled with excess weight and low body confidence. Every moon cycle hit me with PMS, and I hated myself again for being a hormonal bitch. The whole thing really came to a head during menopause. A tsunami of uncontrollable, intense buried emotion rocked my whole world and brought me down to my knees. It became a defining moment that catalysed a deeply valuable and transformative journey for me. The first step of this epic was simply owning the truth and coming out of denial, which is surprisingly harder than it sounds when you've been doing the very opposite for a while.

I dug deep and found there was courage and fire to free myself from the burden of shame I had been carrying around my whole life. Was it easy? NO! I was really good at controlling and suppressing. Allowing the disowned feelings to flow naturally was hard and damn uncomfortable at first, mainly because of my own hostility towards them. I had to learn to stop attacking myself, isn't that nuts? Snotty, messy and unpleasant, that's what claiming our power really looks like. I wish it was more glamorous. Until you start enjoying the freedom, lightness and bliss that's waiting here just on the other side, that is! Because that's what living an authentic, soul shaped life is really about.

As for shadows, they're not anything to be afraid of. They're simply frightened young versions of ourselves, they're just waiting for unconditional presence so that they can come home into the wholeness of our authentic being. Freed from darkness and oppression, they start to express in natural, wholesome and surprisingly delightful ways. 

Where's the joy in cutting our heart up into pieces? Fitting into an image of perfection and shrinking the size of the life we live can only buy us an empty idea of success. A short sighted compromise leading up to a great big dead end. The gifts of Life come online not in running away from fear, but turning towards it. It's in the remembrance that Life isn't a contract to simply put up with suffering or waiting for others to change. It's in the recognition that wholeness pulsates at the core of our very Being. It's the voice of love that's always guiding us back home from within.