Transmuting resentment back into love

What do you do when resentment creeps into our experience in spite of our best efforts to avoid it? Unacknowledged anger forced into the shadow, brews into bitterness or expresses as explosive rage, just like a volcanic eruption releases pent up pressure.

Untended resentment starts to colour our relationships, especially our most cherished and intimate ones.

When we start exploring the shift into being the Creator of our own experience, there is no one else to blame or make wrong. The path to healing involves one radical step - allowing the resentment to arise without trying to change, justify or fix it in any way. Simply, letting it be. Accepting it as a part of our Earthly experience and giving it space to flow through the field of our heart where it turns into compassion for weird and wonderfulness of our humanity. Waves of the stuff can surface from the buried recesses of our consciousness once we are ok to play this game, the process remains the same every time.

That’s it. There’s nothing more to it. Just the willingness to let go of being right (even if you are, especially when we are).

Letting go of resentment isn’t the same as spiritual bypassing. It doesn’t absolve us from the responsibility of taking appropriate action to reset boundaries when needed or course correct dysfunctional relating patterns. How do we know the difference? One tastes of liberation while the other feels like being let off the hook temporarily only to be dragged deeper into the same mess.

The energetic difference is clear and palpable. As I like to remind myself often: ‘The truth always sets you free, but it can really piss you off first’. The monkey caught with their hand in the cookie jar has to choose freedom first.

Temple bell in India

Spider love

After tirelessly and carefully constructing an intricate web out of silken electrified threads to trap it’s prey, the spider awaits suspended in the centre with the composure of a yogi. Such absolute stillness that makes you wonder if it’s even alive, if the ruse is to work there can be no sign of of life. The whole thing is so cleverly engineered that by the time the unsuspecting fly notices, it will be too late to escape. In order to really live, one must be prepared to die. Focus and fearlessness is part of natures evolutionary design.

At twice the size approximately, the female of this species of spiders is much larger than the male. Golden silk orb-weavers appearing seasonally are known for the intricate webs they weave. The male spider waits in close proximity until it’s time to copulate. I’m a deadly move, he’ll be devoured by the female as soon as his purpose is fulfilled. This behaviour is apparently quite common for arachnids. The female of the species is quite obviously deadlier than the male here. Deadlier means more potent. Eggs laid by the female will hatch new life in the next season and the cycle of life continues.

Doesn’t the natural world just blow your mind!

Labour of love

Finding the perfect spot to enjoy the drama of the waves is a labour of love. Ideally, I’m looking for a smooth rock in the shade with a bit of breeze, free from crabs and insects, with a great view of the surf as it crashes on to the rocks. Sometimes, I like to be able to dip my feel into the water or feel the ocean spray directly on my skin. I also need to keep an eye on the tide to make sure I don’t get marooned when the tide changes.

Not too much to ask for, is it?

I like to take my time and I usually know when I’ve found my spot. There’s a feeling of sheer delight when you create for real what you’ve already imagined in the inner, the sweet spot that’s just right for you. Otherwise, you could be ‘settling for less than’ or ‘compromising with good enough’. Nothing wrong with it per se, but when you stick your neck out to go the extra mile, there’s the possibility of sheer delight.

The reason why we don’t always adopt this attitude is because there’s no guarantee that we’ll find what we’re looking for, so to avoid disappointment, we stay with the crowd. It takes extra-ordinary belief in your own desires, along with a healthy dash of willingness to miss the mark, to walk the road less travelled.

Breaking the inertia of needing to compromise all the time is enlivening, scary and deeply transformative at the same time. On the surface it might not look like you’re doing much but the action has deep ripples. That’s why one of my favourite exercises with clients is deceptively simple : to arrange a space (room, wardrobe or even a drawer) exactly how YOU want it, so that it sparks joy for YOU. NO compromises. Coupled with some honest reflection, it’s life changing. Try it and see for yourself!

PS There are other times, especially in relationships, when we choose to let go of our preferences to have a shared experience with the other.

Sea side in Costa Rica

The promise that delivers

My wish for a family vacation this year was one summed up in one word ‘waterfalls’. When we finally started nearing our destination in the cloud forest after a long drive, the mist is freshly descending on us as if straight from heaven, cloaking everything in a veil of mystery. The trail to the waterfalls was an uphill climb, muddy and sometimes slippery. Even though I hadn’t planned to get into the water, the plan was soon out of the window as we drew closer.

I am usually scared (ok, terrified is more like it) when faced with such a force of nature. Something in me can sense the sheer power and my own insignificance in comparison. Then the call takes over, if it is genuine. Not all of them are. I step forward carefully, listening for guidance from the mighty waterfall, enjoying our communion.

The water is fresh, clear, cool. Now, I’m glad that I braved my fears, that I didn’t just stay watching from the edge and turn back with my hair neat and clothes dry. The experience is completely worth the cold, sodden gear on the trek back. After the event, it’s obvious that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. What was I actually even afraid of anyway? Our fears are quite irrational, and yet I could so easily have missed out.

La promesa waterfall in Costa Rica

Jai Ma Ganga

The Ganges river, or Ma Ganga as she’s known to her devotees, arises from Shiva’s hair in Indian mythology. She descends from her birthplace in Gangotri high up in the Himalayas, down into the foothills of the Shivalik mountains, and continues to snake her way into the plains below. She brings fertility to the land in her countless tributaries and streams, as well as welcome respite from the summer heat. Animals and humans alike are drawn into the arms of the life giving mother.

Banks of the holy Ganges river near Rishikesh, India

Fields of gold

The rain bearing clouds are almost here,

and the golden crop ready for harvest.

The farmer will be here on his tractor any day now, leaving behind bare stalks and dry earth in their wake.

Today, let me fill all the distant crevices of my heart, and bathe in the warmth of your sun kissed beauty. Now, while it’s still here, let me soak in all the nectar I can.

Chasing after flies

Over the last couple of days temperatures crossed a mind boggling 40 deg C in the U.K. in a country that’s usually obsessed with sunshine, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one actually looking forward to the arrival of thunder and rain. Insects and flies also multiplied fast in the heat, leaving their dead carcasses strewn all over the floor a few hours later. One of the most comical events has been watching our dog chasing flies with great enthusiasm. 

Sprinting and skidding over the wooden floor, she tries to change direction at the last second in a vain attempt to get hold of them. She’s not managed to get a single one so far, but she continues to pursue her new found hobby with the confidence and dedication of one who knows that it’s all going to work out. I’m taking a leaf out of her book, not in chasing after the flies, it’s way too hot for that, but her attitude is admirable. 

A lesson in integrity

I can still remember the first time I did something devious, and the way it made me feel.

In the late morning sunlight, I had noticed the silhouette of something unusual lying on my bed. On further inspection, it was found to be a 20 rupee note. I wasn’t exactly sure what use it was to me or even what I’d do with it, and I knew that I should probably take it to my mother. Something made not want to do that. The note seemed to say ‘keep me’. So I hid it inside my doll’s underwear, feeling the thrill of flirting with danger. You see, I already knew that lying was bad and stealing even worse. But keeping something I’d found on my very own bed, surely there was no harm in that?

Although 20 rupees wasn’t a lot of money even back in the India of 1974, the accounting in our house was tight, and the note was missed. And so, the investigation to locate it was in full swing a couple of hours later. While my mother questioned everyone else in the house, and conducted a thorough search starting with my bed where she last remembered leaving it, I pretended to be occupied with my dolls. When there was still no sign of it, my mother’s gaze finally landed on me, the innocent 3 year old.

She asked if I knew where the money was.  I said no with all the confidence I could summon in my tight throat, not fully believing that I’d get away with it. Another round of questioning and searching ensued. I was in hot water, I busied myself in play. The knot in my stomach  was growing in intensity with every passing moment, but in my mind I had passed the point of no return. I tried to become small so she wouldn’t notice me. No such luck. The very next moment, her eyes were back on me, and from the look I could tell that the game was up. There was nothing else to do but swallow my pride and hand the money over before I dug myself any deeper into the hole.  

While it wasn’t the best idea for me to lie, I learned something important on that day that stays with me even now. Had I even got away with the ‘theft and lies’ I would have still have been left with the damage to my INTEGRITY. The guilt followed by the desire to shrink and disappear were a result of not feeling whole inside.

To me integrity is much deeper than being honest or keeping time. It’s the foundation for how well we function in life. The absence of integrity is like a virus in the system, quickly taking it down from joyful strength to conflicted and weak, as I found out that day. Beyond right and wrong, our human system thrives on wholeness and integrity, it funcrions sub-optimally with fragmentation, that’s all. In the end, what anyone else thinks of your own actions matters less than how you feel about it. 

Ritual fire in India called Homa

One breath away from home

HOW DO YOU FIND HAPPINESS IN A WORLD OF OVERLOAD, CONFUSION AND CHAOS?

I’m in the middle of it. Trust me, it's a real shit show out here and I’m getting more worked up by the minute. 

X will simply NOT listen to reason, EVER. I mean, why only be difficult when with just a little bit more you can be bloody impossible, right?

Y has NOT done what they THEMSELVES enthusiastically agreed to only the day before and is clearly not planning to get with the program anytime soon.

I don’t even know where to begin with Z, we are not even on the same galaxy, let alone the same page.

I just want to scream and I'd love to smash a few jars on the floor but I'm worried that someone will come and lock me up. I guess I'll just have to continue seething inside as I tear my hair out with my own hands.

Then, right there in the middle of the storm, I suddenly remember to pause. And I breathe. In that split second, I’m aware of my own centre and the clouds part long enough for me to step back. In the eye of the storm there's an ocean of love and peace, I remember that I am that. I'm the ocean of peace inside which the storm arises and subsides. 

I AM HOME. 

Here, I can hear the quiet, loving, moment to moment guidance of wisdom under the noise. Here, I simply know what to do next without going into drama and meltdown. Where there is wisdom, there is presence and everything works out with Grace. 

Taking a pause in the midst of chaos, requires no effort, only intention. It doesn't mean that our challenges, problems and issues will magically go away, that isn't the point. It means we can navigate them with power and intelligence. All of us have that ability, it's innate. Developing the skill to do it in the moment takes practice, just like anything else. 

Stress makes us function sub-optimally (or it makes us blind and unable to see what's obvious to the rest). Fortunately, we are only one breath away from coming home to our innate intelligence, and we can make that switch at any time.

The shadow of hidden desires

WHAT ARE YOUR MOST UNREASONABLE DESIRES?

The kind that make your heart race with anticipation and fill you with angst at the same time. You know, the inconvenient ones that make you wonder if someone up there is having a laugh at your expense... why else would you be given desires that are only going to land you in trouble?

- You have a perfectly good job that pays all the bills and then some, but your heart is set on starting a risky business venture of your own.

- Your family life is ideal and you love them all dearly, but you want to get a place of your own where you can get away from it all.

- You don't need to work for money and there's zero pressure for you to have a career, but you know that you're not living your full potential and wish that you had found your true calling. 

- Your partner is a good person and there's nothing wrong with your relationship, but you're not fulfilled and secretly yearn for an extraordinary love. 

IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN CALLED CRAZY,

YOU HAVEN'T REALLY LIVED.

- Anand Mehrotra

The desires that we ignore, reject or repress are forced into the shadow. While we pretend that they're not really there, they still play out in unpredictable and unwholesome ways as we try to - eat them away, work them away, sexualise them away, shop them away, achieve them away, drink them away...dampening the vibrant Spark Of Our Being.

What if these desires are not the work of the devil but perfectly normal and natural?

If we welcomed them with curiosity and met them without judgement, they are the seeds of our unique greater unfolding, The song lyrics go, 'there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in'. The portals calling us into more wisdom, richness and fulfilment are in right here in the unresolved pieces of our Lives. If we stop papering over the cracks long enough, the light will come streaming in.

So, what unreasonable desires have you been pushing away, and what would happen if you found a more inclusive way of being with them?

A young boy called Kuldip who befriended me during my travels in India.

The adventure of being alive

I’ve found an amazing house. It’s in pretty good shape, walking distance from the tube station and the view is to die for. In fact, it’s the exact view that I’ve been seeing in my mind’s eye - fields stretching into the distance over rolling hills, expansive skies and big glass windows to take in the glory of the setting sun. It could be my own little piece of tranquility and my whole being is saying yes, quietly but firmly. It’s a lot, lot, lot of money for me but I can manage it, and with a bit of luck I could be living here within weeks. The only unmovable obstacle in my way right now is that I can’t actually find one. 

I went back to view the house three more times, taking trusted friends along to be on the safe side. When I asked for their opinion, they all said very different things from 'it's great' to 'you can't possibly buy that' and 'I can't see you living there'. Only, I COULD. I could see, sense, feel, taste and touch myself living here, it had everything I need to be happy. But it felt like a huge risk, and I suddenly became a small child who’s afraid of getting into a mess that I wouldn’t be able to handle. 

So, I walked away without making an offer, and went back to my life which is just fine. I’m so used to abandoning my dreams that it didn’t even crush me anymore, instead it felt normal and even ‘right’ in a weird kind of way.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME HOW OLD YOU ARE. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL RISK LOOKING LIKE A FOOL FOR LOVE, FOR YOUR DREAM, FOR THE ADVENTURE OF BEING ALIVE.

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer 

After a few (ok many!) twists and turns to the plot, I finally ended up buying that house. It was a really great decision for my life. The truth is that I’ve spent years looking at houses for a good fit. I found a reason to reject every single one, because then things would really change, and I wasn’t sure that I could handle it. I heard the voice of wisdom lovingly say yes but fear talked me out of it every time ...until I couldn't live that way anymore. 

I know you have these voices inside you too, we all do. There is a deeply loving, wise, grace filled path to what you most desire, coming from the same creative intelligence that runs all of Life - and it's not the story of unmitigated disaster that we mostly imagine in our minds. It probably won't tick all the boxes for anyone else, how could it if it's uniquely yours? YOUR PATH IS LOOKING FOR YOU even as you’re seeking IT. You’ll find it by listening inside here, not by asking everyone else out there. 

There’s a unique ecstasy to living your own life, on the other side of not taking that risk is the danger of dying without having really lived at all. In the final reckoning only we know what’s right for us. That’s right, we do know what right for us, even if it does take us a while to come round to it.

Everything always works out, or does it?

What do our valiant attempts to tame everything into a beautiful semblance of order teach us? (OK! NOT EVERYTHING, maybe just our kids, partners, homes, parents and colleagues). The blatant truth is that we have very little control for the most part over most of LIFE - and even less over others.

And yet there is an underlying rhythm to the apparent chaos. There's a deeply intelligent design woven into the very fabric of Existence, which keeps it 'working out' in unforeseeable ways. This Great Intelligence is pretty obvious in nature. You can call this unseen creative force God, Source, the Force, the Universe,  just plain luck, or whatever else works for you. I think of it as the Grace of Existence, an invisible golden thread that binds everything.

All our human angst, stress and despair comes from living in denial of this fundamental truth. In the Eastern traditions this is called Maya, the illusion which creates suffering. Our forgetfulness is innocent, but the consequences are big. 

Some overwhelm is a legit part of living a fulfilling life, we're equipped to deal with that. And it's also very possible to release ourselves from the cage of perpetual worry, by consciously recognising the golden thread of Existential Grace. We're already in it, all we have to do is stop being blind to it. Like gravity, it keeps holding us even when we don't know it. 

Everything has been working out since before we were born and will continue to do so long after we're gone. That's how we got here against all odds. BREATHE THAT IN AND REJOICE. Really getting this at a visceral level is life changing. It becomes very hard to fully believe the catastrophic story of disaster in our heads, the next time it kicks off, when we're truly aware that everything always works out. I invite you to journey with this idea as we roll into the new year.

Ganesha, the remover of all obstacles with marigold garlands

The best of the festive season

What do you most look forward to during the festive season?

By this time in December, there's just no getting away from the 'Spirit of Christmas'. Tis' the season for good cheer, and those who won't risk turning into Scrooge. Just next to the sparkly lights and gilded decorations, lurks the shadow of good times - a visit from familial triggers not seen since this time last year. 

Do you just grit your teeth and bear it, it's only once a year after all so why unnecessarily rock the boat when an extra glass wine will nicely do the trick. Or do you use this opportunity to get to the root of the underlying issue, and shine the light of presence into the murky shadows. 

There's no one right answer here. I love Eckhart Tolle's wisdom on families, that their purpose is to awaken us. That's right, our family members, especially the ones that drive us nuts, are not here to : a) be pleasing to us, b) meet our expectations however low we set the bar, or c) to align with our preferences. 

Now that we've got that straight, our job becomes a lot simpler. Simpler, not easier. So, my question to you beloved as we head into the culmination of another year is, how do you want to feel at the end of this reunion? 

If the answer is peaceful, content, loving or anything of a similar nature, the KEY is to go in with a clear intention. The stuff of family patterns is sticky but remember that LIFE supports evolution. Even if you don't fully succeed, you will have started the process of creating greater harmony in your relationships and THAT is truly worthy of celebration.

Screw the hype, do it your way

Are you giving New Year's Eve the cold shoulder? If your  middle finger is pointed at the over-hyped, charmless, commercial circus that takes place at the end of December every year, I'm with you. No sane human can wholeheartedly buy into that.

Just pressing cancel on New Year and doing nothing else, leaves a wide, open gap for a grumpy vibe to start seeding. That's no way to greet the year. We must claim the opportunity to create, with our very own year end ritual - one that's nourishing, wholesome and aligned with our authentic desires and values.

When it comes to doing it your way, it's worth mentioning that the archetype of the irreverent, reckless, rebellious rockstar has had it's day. Grounded, stable, maturity is the new cool. Self-care is how we rock'n'roll, even the rockstars are at it.

My tip for extracting the joy from New Year's (and joy generally in life) can be said in three words. KEEP IT REAL. Try it for yourself this year. Eat real, drink real, speak real, sleep real ....etc real. There will most likely be FOMO, you might feel lame, Just Keep It Real. Imagine having the last laugh as you glide gracefully into the new year with a rested, calm and relaxed nervous system - instead of crash landing there, tired and irritable. The ground of real translates into a peace that grows into joy over time. 

After a few seasons of practice with letting the hype go and tuning into the inner voice, I'm able to do things my way with far greater ease. The voices of the world and their dog are not shouting the loudest in my head, so I can actually hear adventures of my own as they call me. In case you need it, here's a copy of the permission slip I made for myself. Feel free to borrow it, or better still, make your own.

Sandhya, the glory of dusk

It’s a frosty evening with temperatures below freezing and the kind of sunset that makes you stop in your tracks.

When awe strikes, a stillness momentarily descends by itself. Our awareness spontaneously expands as we come into contact with beauty and the constant stream of thoughts in our head stop for a moment of silent admiration. Then the inner storyteller kicks in to describe the experience, the giver wants to rush off and share the joy with others, and normal life takes over once again.

But for a moment there is a pause, and it’s a significant one. It’s an experience of merging with the unbounded. The invitation is to linger for a bit  here, and deepen in the wordless space.

PS. In case you're wondering, Sandhya is the word for dusk in Hindi. 

A white world

The creator has been at it overnight with the divine paintbrush. Heavy snowfall yesterday has clothed the world with the purity of white and the sound of silence.

While there definitely are disruptions to traffic and the normal movement of life, kids and grown up kids won’t miss the opportunity for snowball fights. I’m looking forward to seeing snowmen when I step out later and maybe even hearing some whoops of glee from sledges gliding downhill.

When I see fresh snow cascading from the sky, it reminds me that no two snowflakes are alike. In all billions of trillions of them, each one has an unique, individual crystalline structure. And yet, they can all be recognised as snowflakes which together create the wonder filled experience of snow falling on Earth from a magical place above.

The making of us

Experiences of incredible beauty move us with awe and wonder, they are so important. Yet, it’s the challenges we face in life that truly make us. It may seem at the time of unravelling that we’re being broken, but we are becoming.

In a LIFE initiation, the greater the setback, the greater is the gift within it. The arrow gathers power as it’s pulled back in the bow, and when it’s released it will travel much, much further in the intended direction.

Feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness and the darkness that emerges at such times are not accurate pointers to the deeper truth. The challenge is a portal for more of the essence of our soul to shine through. Qualities that we didn’t even know existed inside us, surface from depths as we navigate unfamiliar, new territory.

This isn’t just a nice thought to comfort ourselves with, but can be verified with evidence of our own life experience. The inner fearful one can start to relax inside the more accurate fact-based perspective of reality, and start to release the default narrative of anxiety towards the unknown. Because, challenges are essentially the gap in our understanding of how to successfully move through the unknown.

When we become present to the reality that we are not an abandoned self in an hostile Universe, rather we are part of a life-positive Universe held by a silent Grace by which things always work out. The next time challenge appears, and it will, we can practice lovingly resisting the automatic reaction of fear. The wisdom of presence becomes available in the moment.

There could be pain and hardship, no doubt, and we must tend to these with great care and tender compassion. Denial or repressing this aspect of the experience only perpetuates the suffering.

Remind yourself often that you are LIFE, that LIFE has you and that LIFE always works out. Times of challenge is when LIFE has us close and teaches us deeply valuable lessons. Knowing now that one day you’ll be looking back and smiling at yourself about the very situation that’s so difficult, that’s precious wisdom.

Don't you long to soar?

At first there’s an attitude of endurance, tolerating a fate that you perceive as yours to bear. The Long Suffering Savior walks uphill, bent double, with a burden of shame on their back, trampling their own needs, desires and dreams into dust.

Next, a shameless awakening, long forgotten dreams call out from the shadows with ghosts emerging in the mist. In a messy explosion from the depths, a creative fire emerges that won’t be denied. It’s intense and consuming but truth is what remains, all else melts away.

Then there’s an opening, into the way of the Wild. The pure lust for life has always been here for you to claim, the ancient one cackles. Besides, shrinking and shrivelling never did suit you much, she sings.

How else can we leave this Earth without regret when it is our time, knowing that there was all this delight to savour but we were just too afraid to risk?

Your soul is adventure, fear on the other hand is perfectly happy for you to never get out of bed. Courage is who you really are, when fear hasn’t talked you into believing that it’s the other way around.

Don’t you long to soar? To feel your full wing span opening in flight, gliding majestically in the currents, catching eddies in the breeze? There’s a time for play in the nest and it’s beautiful, but staying on once it’s over is unnatural and ugly. The big skies are calling your name, won’t you come?

Boruca Jaguar Mask from Costa Rica

RIP Queen Elizabeth II

What an incredible force of nature! She stood for the values of duty, loyalty and service, remembering them from a long held tradition into the current era. They don’t make them like her anymore. She was our Queen but she was really the anointed one, pulling off a paradox of humility and the Regal with her own unique charm. I love that she was always learning on the job and thrived from meeting the challenge. Her unflappable, steady personality held this country in an enviable solidity for the last 70 years and her passing is bound to rock the boat. But more than that it meant something special to me personally to live in a country with a woman like her as the head of state. The new King has a tough act to follow but at the same time, this moment of change also holds great possibility for innovation within tradition.

Pic credit Marc de Jong on Unsplash

Create space for your richness and depth to emerge

What budding talents are you keeping hidden?

What treasures want to find expression through your voice, hands and feet?

What would happen if you spoke the words in your head out loud, if you sang outside the shower, if you danced in the rain? Tenderly at first, with some hesitation, and then later with wild abandon.

You probably already know this, but let me spell it out. Under the layers of doubt and fear, don’t you suspect that if you allow yourself to let go, you will come alive? The undeniable force that you are, will heal you and set the world on fire, in a good way.

The world needs more people who hear the call to come alive. Not just the heroes and heroines we admire from afar, but regular folks like you and me with a forgotten dream in our hearts that’s been pushed aside for too long.

I’ve created a beautiful new home for my poetry and this is your invitation to visit. Click on the image below to enter.

It’s far from perfect, mind you. My mantra here is progress first, then perfection. If only I’d remembered to take pictures of the shitty first draft. I add new poems, chop and change things as new clarity emerges. It means I’m not waiting for the day when I have all the pieces sorted out, in order to get started. This is also how I built my website, created a thriving life in a foreign country and continue to make the positive impact I want to have in my world.

The thing is, everyone has inherent gifts and talents, including you and me. Some of them are obvious, others need nurturing to become real and blossom into fullness. That’s the only difference between wishing you were born talented like others, and taking the risk to discover and grow the talents that you already have. Take one step in the direction you’re headed, let it be imperfect. You can keep evolving into perfection, that’s a lifelong thing.

Pic : Bramhanda Yoni - painting by Monika Vijh