Another ‘F’ word that’s loaded with meaning and emotion, the ideal of ‘true’
friendship can be an elusive thing for many of us with the pressures of modern life. In
it’s bare essence, friendship is a relationship based on a mutual exchange of positive
regard between people. It’s more than acquaintance and yet largely free of the
obligations of duty imposed on family as we are free to choose our friends but born
into our family. The beauty of friendship is found in the quality of authentic
connection between people rather than something defined by a structure. A rich
possibility that can develop in the most unlikely of situations, finding a true friend is
one of life’s incomparable gifts, no matter how far you walk together.
So, what is meaningful friendship in the context of a world which is ripe with the
opportunity to interact soundlessly through posts, comments and icons with friends
on social media. Is there a difference and if so what’s missing ? Without the soul
nourishing elements of deeper connection and un-distracted presence, social
interaction can quickly become superficial and meaningless. If you’ve ever felt lonely
in a crowd or in a close relationship, chances are that your soul isn’t being nourished
enough with actual presence and connection. Water, water everywhere but not a
drop to drink. While it’s nice to be popular, and there’s nothing wrong with it per
se,the thing that matters here, as with everything, is quality, not only quantity.
My own journey with friendship is a journey of self discovery. As a child, my family
moved a lot. We lived in four cities and twenty homes by the time I was 17. I had
changed schools and mates 10 times by this age. I was bright academically but
socially I felt wrong-footed and struggled to bond and make friends with my peers. I
felt different and like I didn’t belong. To cover the anxiety and shame I felt about
myself, I took cues excessively from others who were popular and began emulating
them. It made me feel confident and I started to fit in quickly. To solve my problem, I
became a chameleon. Intelligent, you might say, only I had created another one. I
lost the connection with my authentic self in the process. I no longer knew who I was or what I
wanted for myself. I struggled to be on my own. Although I had many friends, deep
down I felt empty, lost and confused. For a long time I believed that I was alone in
this. Later, my eyes were opened to the reality of how I had succumbed to peer
pressure. No one had forced me, I had done it to myself.
How do we make friends with ourselves then ?
One of the biggest gifts in a friendship is the space to be yourself. Becoming your
own friend involves spending time in your own company, listening to yourself and
accepting your own experience of life without trying to change or fix it. If you’re not
used to doing this, it can be a challenge to get started. The best way is to start small
with a consistent, daily practice of checking in with your feelings, needs and desires
without trying to fix or change them. It’s more likely to stick if it’s easy, accessible and
done over time. Just like all enduring friendships, this too needs the nurture of time
and space to blossom.
As I grow in the ability to be authentic with myself, I’ve been able to show up as
myself without the need to perform in front of others in order to gain validation. I’ve
become more present and am able to listen to others more without constantly being
in my head thinking of the next thing to say. I’d say this has given me the possibility
to become a better friend instead of seeing flaws in others and searching for the
perfect one. Through this process, my focus has shifted to authenticity more and
worrying less about looking good. It’s an ongoing process of transformation that
nourishes, thrills and scares me in equal measure.
In the words of RuPaul - If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love someone else.
That means befriending all of yourself, including the bits that you’d rather not.
Most friendships are based in agreement, being there for the other in their
time of need, validating you in general. There is another kind of friendship which is
more rare and very powerful. These are the people who ignite you, challenge you,
hold you in your greatness and nothing less. To engage in such a relationship
requires uncommon courage and enough love for ourselves to face our demons
without being stopped by fear. We must face our deepest fear.
Tol end, here’s a poem from Marianne Williamson titled ‘Our deepest fear’ :
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We
ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who
are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we
let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Here’s to growth and fulfillment in friendships !
To find out more about cultivating and applying a Creation Mindset to create desirable outcomes and to learn about working with Monika, click here
