As I looked out of the bathroom window staring at nothing in particular, a new thought occurred to me. It’s not fully accurate to say that I thought it, it was more like I heard the words that said ‘You are inherently worthy, just because you’re alive and breathing and you walk this Earth. Not because of all the stuff that you do’.Just a few weeks before, I’d been diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian cancer. It’s called the silent killer because it’s usually pretty advanced by the time it gets discovered. But that was just the tip of the iceberg, there was more. The foundation of marriage that I had believed was going to last forever, wasn't feeling quite so solid now. Inner turmoil was playing havoc in the arena of my other relationships too. Difficult, intense emotions that I had buried over the years were all surfacing uncontrollably now, without my permission. No ovaries = menopause, hot flushes, extreme mood swings and brain fog were the order of the day with wildly fluctuating hormones. And I’d also started a new smoking habit, at the same bathroom window that I mentioned earlier. There’s an old saying in India, that goes, ‘vinasha kaale vipareeta buddhi’ - at the time of destruction, our own intelligence turns against us. When I was younger, my mother delivered this dramatically, a warning about being the instrument of your own downfall. So, although I knew that it made very little sense to be smoking alongside the hard core ‘life saving’ sandwich of chemotherapy and surgery, it's just what I did at the time. But I digress, the important thing is, that day I heard the voice of Truth, and noticed that it was distinctly different from the usual thought process in my head. It was a deeply loving, albeit disruptive wisdom that rang clear as a bell and filled my whole being with an expansive peace. A healing balm, it brought the magic of wholeness to my anxiety ridden distress. Before my mind took over once again, I experienced something wonderful. The imprint of this feeling stayed, haunting me like a good spirit.TRUTH DOES NOT BELONG TO ANYONE, BUT YOU CAN BELONG TO TRUTH- ANANDJI
All of my efforts to do the right thing, be a good person and fulfil my obligations to others, were driven by the need to feel worthy. You see, I’d been living the work hard/ play harder lifestyle, like many of us do. That’s another way of saying that I often burned the candle at both ends, regularly pushed my body past its human limits and gave little importance to real self-care. I don’t know exactly when or how, but it had become normal for me to deny my authentic feelings and desires and place all my attention on what others wanted from me instead. Now, I was depleted, sick and suffering. The inner fire dampened by years of neglect, was literally dying inside. In one stroke of fierce Grace, I was being shown the root of disease as well as the path to healing. It was a get out of jail free card, I took it. LIFE didn’t want me stressed out, overworked and exhausted. I’d just got my wires badly crossed. Other moments of insight followed that one, not just in the bathroom. They seemed to come out of nowhere, usually when I’d stopped racking my brain to try and get to one. They bore the signature of illumination, a truth that started transforming my life from the inside for greater peace, alignment, freedom and joy. The voice of wisdom is quietly alive in all of us but we tend to disregard it, believing the other voices that shout louder instead. Until we get to a dead end, that is. Paradoxically, when I stopped the external seeking and started claiming the inherent Self-worth of our being, it started showing up around me by itself. Starting as the presence of deeper peace, it’s a consistent undercurrent of joy that increases with time. This is a path of practice where every imperfect point on the way to perfection is also perfect in its own way. It's different from the perfection that keeps us seeking but not finding, going but never arriving, always somewhere in the future, just not where we are. The lack of love, self-worth or resources is never real - but a filter projected on reality, making it appear real. Disconnection from the truth of everyday existential Grace keeps us in a trap made by our own mind. It’s really obvious once you can see it. What becomes clear is that the door is wide open, and we’re free to walk out at any time. This golden thread of freedom that runs through Life is the ultimate gift from Existence. It’s the great equaliser to which we all have open access, regardless of the other differences in our individual circumstances.In the 7+ years since the first bathroom insights, I’ve found better ways to elevate myself and be with my emotions. In case you’re wondering, I no longer cope with agitation and discomfort by lighting a cigarette. To be honest, I disliked the smell, the dip in my energy and the guilt that came with harming my body anyway. Living into the idea of inherent Self-worth, led me to releasing behaviours that reflect an abandoned, powerless, victim identity down the line.With smoking, I did my bit, and in the end I was able to let go of the dependency without too much undue stress. So, maybe it decided to let go of me. Within the darkness that surrounded me at the time, I found the intention to heal at a deeper level. I leaned into that and the rest of the pieces fell into place from there. That’s the power of any soul-led intention, they have a destiny of their own.It’s true that the night is always darkest just before dawn. But even in the darkest hour, your eyes will adjust and you can feel your way forward. That’s when you notice the unique presence that only emerges in the dark, and the way that stars twinkle at night. When you’re no longer imprisoned by fear, the dark Goddess reveals Herself as fearlessness itself. What we feared is simply the Unknown, and that Unknown is not the terrifying demon of our worst nightmares coming to get you, but the Great Mother who births all of Existence. THE ONLY THING THAT IS EVER HAPPENING, IS LIFE- ANANDJI
Isn’t it laughably absurd to live in fear of the source of one’s own Self? And yet that’s exactly what we do, all the time. Until we don’t. Laughing with you, MonikaGuru Bramha, Guru Vishnu, Guru Devo Maheswara, Guru Sakshat Param Bramha, Tasmai Shri Gurave Namaha
With my deepest gratitude to all the teachers, mentors, guides who shower my path with generosity and Grace, and to the Guru within. 
Prayer flags at the Sattva Yoga Academy near Rishikesh in India